HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
“Sleep, Baby, Sleep.”
It could also be read as, “Sleep! Baby. Sleep!” or if it’s 4am and I’ve been up for 2 hours, it could be “SLEEP! SLEEP! SLEEP! Baby. SLEEEEEEEEEP!”
My paintings in the last year or two have taken on the form of visual mantras or visual affirmations. I paint what I want my life to look like. Then I hang up the painting above my computer and look at it every day. I am a highly visual learner. By seeing this visual prayer every day, it slowly starts to seep into my reality and after awhile I start to notice that I actually believe the message in the painting. Once I believe it, my life and reality then follow.
And so my current visual affirmation is for my baby – almost one and not such a baby anymore – to sleep through the night. Things were going well for quite awhile. But then the teeth arrived. My stress levels soared in the summer (when I’m stressed, Fiona doesn’t sleep). Bad habits were formed. And so on and so on. It got to an all time record low several weeks ago and I was finally motivated to take action. I reviewed The No Cry Sleep Solution and then made a sleep plan, which I am carrying out in various steps.
My first step in the Sleep Plan was to cut out the 10pm wake up (she goes to bed at 7pm and started waking up at 10pm a month and a half ago). No milk, only a brief hug and then leave. The next step was no milk until midnight, only brief hugs and soothing when she wakes up. A few other steps are to make sure she doesn’t fall asleep breastfeeding and keep the middle of the night feeds short (leading to a gradual night weaning).
I’m knocking on some wood right now, but I’m pretty amazed that she is only waking up 2 times now (1:30am and 5:00am) and then is up for the day at 7:30am. It is a drastic improvement from a month ago when there were a few nights where she was waking up every 30 minutes and occasionally up for a few hours in the middle of the night.
My next step is to night wean her from the 1:30am feed by gradually shortening the feeding time and then just using hugs and soothing. After that I’ll work on the 5am feed. And after that, maybe miracles will happen and she’ll sleep through the night. I am definitely read for some sleep. I feel like I’ve been sleep deprived for 7 years now with only brief respite in between babies. Since this is the last child we have decided to have, I found that I have been a lot more tolerant of the night wakings, knowing that “this too shall pass,” but frankly I am ready for this to pass.
I am also eased the fact that I know that it is healthier for older babies NOT to have milk or food in the middle of the night because our bodies were designed for our digestive system to have a rest at night so that all of our body’s energy can go into growth, repair and development. That being said, if the baby is in fact hungry, I would definitely feed her. But in my experience the midnight feeds have more to do with habit that actual hunger. But as anything in life, once a habit is formed, it takes a few weeks of consistency to break the habit and form a new one.
Last weekend we went for a walk to collect nuts. There are city trees everywhere with nuts that plummet to the ground and nobody collects them (except the squirrels), so we were able to gather heaps and heaps of chestnuts just a few blocks away. I’m not sure if we’re going to eat them, but they make lovely decorations for now.
I recently got a request for some recipes without wheat, rice flour or chickpea flour. I immediately remembered a delicious Banana-Quinoa Muffin recipe that I used to make all the time. This recipe comes from the back of Ancient Harvest Quinoa, which has a whole variety of quinoa products and also a lot of very creative recipes on their website. If you can’t find quinoa in your town, you can order individual products online at Amazon.com.
Quinoa is an ancient grain from South America that is a complete protein and so healthy that there is almost no malnutrion in the people who consume quinoa in the poor regions of Bolivia. It’s great for vegetarians, babies and people with allergies. You can cook the quinoa grain like rice or cook the quinoa flakes to make a breakfast cereal (like oatmeal). The quinoa flour is also great for baking.
BANANA – QUINOA MUFFINS (or waffles)
1/2 cup quinoa flour
1/2 cup quinoa flakes
1/3 cup brown sugar (or 1/3 tsp stevia for sugar-free)
2 TB honey (or 1/8 tsp stevia for sugar-free)
2 tsp baking powder (or 1/2 tsp baking soda mixed with 1 tsp lemon juice)
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
2 very ripe bananas
2 eggs (or 3 tsp egg replacer mixed with 4 TB water for egg-free. See here for other egg substitutes.)
Optional: blueberries, raisins, cut up apricot, cranberries, grated apple, grated carrot, or cinnamon.
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Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Mix flour, flakes and all dry ingredients. Mix in mashed bananas and all wet ingredients. Pour into greased muffin tins (fill muffin tins 1/2 full). Bake 20-25 minutes.
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To make waffles, add 3 TB oil and 1/2 cup milk.
Still tipsy and toddling, but definitely a walker.
My first reaction to learning that Isabela was going to have a sleepover camping trip with her class was, “What? NO WAY!”
Chris’ reaction was, “Hey, that’s great!”
Which made me realize that the problem was that, whether or not Isabela was ready, I was not ready.
At first Isabela did not want to go, but as the time came closer, and as they talked about it more and more in their class, she started to get excited. Just a few days before the trip, without any prompting from us, she decided to sleepover.
After dropping her off at the camp and helping her set up her things on the bunk bed in the cabin, we said goodbye and without a flinch or second glance she bounced off to play. My, this is a different child than the one who used to sob and sob every morning at school drop off, during recess and when I was not the first parent in line to pick her up.
They hiked, created nature art, visited a salmon hatchery, the water reservoir and dam, roasted marshmallows, sang camp songs and SLEPT OVER in a room with 25 giggling girls. Granted, I’m not sure how much sleep they actually got.
Isabela is growing up.
After I did the painting, Mama Hugs, for Isabela, Diego said that he wanted one too. So here is Diego and I giving each other a “nose kiss.”
And here is the painting in Diego’s room. I love that what he looks at when we wakes up and before he goes to sleep is his mother giving him a huge hug and connecting together with a silly nose kiss.
You may notice the painting is, in fact, crooked. It is now at the perfect height for Fiona to bang it. Fortunately the “glass” is actually a really thick plastic. And you may also notice the very red walls and the very red blanket.
Ah yes. Red. There seems to be something about Diego and the color red. This summer I decided to paint the kids rooms and wanted their input on colors. Immediately Diego choose this color of red and Isabela chose a dark pink. I was all, “No way! You have to choose a lighter color.” But we couldn’t agree on anything and finally came to an impass. Weeks went by.
Finally I started thinking about something in one of the attachment videos, from the series Helping Children Grow Up, by Gordon Neufeld. He was talking about how children need “room to be themselves.” Of course, he was talking about it in the metaphorical sense, but I realized that this applied in the literal sense as well. I needed to give my the kids their rooms as their own.
I mean, how much time do I really spend in my kids rooms? Mostly we play in the living room and kitchen. And why can’t I just get over my issue of not liking those colors? Why can’t I just let them like those colors and immerse themselves in them?
So I let them pick their colors again and they immediately went back and chose the exact same colors (out of hundreds and hundreds of color swatches) that they had originally chosen.
And you know something, now it has grown on me. I really like those colors a lot.
Here is Isabela’s very pink room.
In celebration of babies being carried.
In celebration of wonderful, deliciously comfortable baby carriers.
In celebration of the Ergo and how it has changed my life.
In celebration of babies feeling secure and attached to their parents.
In celebration of cooking dinner and washing dishes while carrying Baby.
In celebration of not getting a sore back or sore shoulders from carrying Baby.
In celebration of International Babywearing Week (Sept. 21-28, 2009).
In celebration of being “Close Enough to Kiss.”
“I hate school! I’m never coming back here!” screamed Isabela to her teacher.
This came after a huge blowout on her second day of full day school – a mixture of tears, temper tantrums and Isabela yelling at her teacher. Not terribly surprising since it took her 8 months to get used to kindergarten last year. I brought her home after lunch and spent an hour and a half with her crying. At which point I was crying too.
Chris came home early from work and did one of the most spectacular parenting jobs I have ever seen in my life. He immediately went into her room and played with her. Created a really strong attachment. Was silly and playful. Then told her about his school experience. And then talked, consulted, encouraged and honored her tears, her fears and her experience at school.
It took 4 hours.
By the next morning Isabela was ready for full day school. (And Chris was ready for a day off.)
When we got to the school, this is what she said: “I’m really scared, but Papa said that in order to get used to something new, I have to try it. So I’m going to try going to school all day today.”
She went the whole day without any problems.
The next day, with a little attitude in her voice she said, “Diego, if you want to get used to something new, you just have to do it.”
This girl is now 6 and I am in amazement – in fact flabbergasted and in awe of the things she can do now.
Like the other day I overheard her say, “Diego, I know I fight with you over wanting your cars, but actually, I was just fighting. I don’t really want them. Here you can have them back.”
WHAT?
Is that the same Isabela?
Or this one: “Isabela it’s time to get ready for bed.”
“O.K.” she says. And 1 minute later she’s got on her pajamas and teeth brushed.
WHAT?
I think I’m liking this.
Isabela is my child that teaches me to be a parent. First of all, she’s the first. So everything I do with her is trial and error. And unfortunately, a lot of error. But she’s also my most sensitive and challenging child. And because of this, she is really the child that MAKES me become a better parent.
When kids are easy, we don’t have a lot of motivation to change, as a parent, or to learn new things. But when we’re pulling our hair out, screaming into a pillow and cursing under our breath, well these are the things that trigger us to search for new solutions.
The greatest parenting investment I have ever made was to purchase a set of parenting videos by Gordon Neufeld about attachment parenting called “The Power to Parent”. Not cheap. And NOT easy to do. But so incredibly helpful, practical and inspiring. For me the proof of these miracle parenting videos is how dramatically my relationship with my children has changed. Read more about how I have been re-learning to parent here.
And now I leave you with some birthday party photos.
Decorations courtesy of Isabela and Diego.
To all the parents out there. I have noticed that every single time we go outside to play in our yard or we have children come over to our house to play, they ALWAYS end up in the sandbox for a significant amount of time. Sandboxes are CHEAP (especially if you buy them used – we buy all our used stuff from craigslist.org) and sand is CHEAP ($5 at Home Depot for a huge bag, or free if you get it from a beach).
You will never lose with this investment. It will provide HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS of entertainment. So my advice to you is this: Go out and buy a sandbox.
I’m not really sure what the deal is with mermaids and princesses and that crap, but I decided I can get over my issues – at least for the birthday cake – and let Isabela choose what kind of cake she wanted. I was hoping for something more like this cake from here:
But who am I kidding, really? At this stage in my life, I need the simple solution. And so off we went to the dollar store, bought a couple of mermaids, and then a bunch of bags of candy from the Quickie Mart down the street. “Whoa! That’s a lot of candy!” says Harry, the store clerk.
Then the kids iced and decorated the cake themselves. And which kid wouldn’t want a cake covered with candy? The irony, of course, is that I don’t ever eat sugar and hardly ever let my kids eat sugar, but what the heck. Birthdays only come around once a year.
We were searching through Google Images to get some ideas for mermaid cakes and I taught Isabela how to click on the image that she wants, enlarge the photo, then go back to the main page to continue searching through the images, then click to the next page of images. This was out of a matter of necessity, since 3 kids requires so much multitasking and Fiona is at the “pounding the computer” stage and so I didn’t have a lot of time to sit down and look at photos with Isabela.
To my complete amazement, I only had to teach her once and she remembered exactly how to do all of those steps.
I got my first email address when I was in university. Not because I was technologically repressed, but because NO ONE ELSE HAD EMAIL ADDRESSES. There was no Google. No Facebook. No Wikipedia. And look, I’m not really that old. That was only 13 years ago. But it was all so new and I used to curse the computer endlessly because it didn’t do what I wanted it to do and I didn’t know how to fix the things I had by some magical mistake messed up.
And now, here is my 6 year old daughter, going, “I can do it. I can do it.” And she really can.
And then there’s my three year old picking up my Ipod Touch, turning it on, scrolling through, finding the game he wants, opening it, playing it, closing it, checking the weather, closing it, and turning off the Ipod and putting it away. Not that he does it that often, because just like the sugar thing, I also have a TV/computer/electronic anti-thing for kids. So they don’t use it that often and that’s why it just amazes me that when they do it, they remember all of the steps all on their own.
He is so comfortable with the touch screen that often forgets that my computer is not a touch screen and tries to open and move things around on the screen instead of with the mouse. I suspect that his first computer will probably be a touch screen computer. I’m sure those will come out sometime soon.
Whoa. I started out with Mermaid birthday cakes and ended up with predictions about touch screen computers. I bet you weren’t expecting that, were you?
Mastitis (breast infections caused by plugged milk ducts) can come on very quickly and completely knock you off your feet. Usually there is an intense pain in the infected area of the breast, followed by fever, chills, aches and pains. It usually lasts for about 1-3 days and then eases up.
It is the biggest, surest sign (for me anyways, everytime I get it) that I am TOO stressed, doing TOO much, and not taking care of myself. It is my body’s way of getting me to lie down and REST.
So here’s what I do when I get mastitis:
1. 5 Phytolacca Decandra every few hours (homeopathic remedy that you hold under the tongue until it dissolves)
2. Lots of Vit. C and echinacea
3. Lots of an infection fighting herb such as Golden Seal, Oregon Grape, Silver Shield (colloidal silver), or oregano oil
4. Take lots and lots of hot baths.
5. Massage really hard (it hurts like hell, but you have to do it) the blocked milk duct, which is the cause of the infection. I usually do it in the shower or bath.
6. Keep nursing, as often as I can, to get the milk ducts flowing and unblocked.
7. Ask my husband to take the day (or days) off to watch the kids so I can sleep, rest, watch TV, movies, etc.
8. Raw cabbage leaf, tucked in the bra and changed when warm and/or wilting and grating raw potato and placing on the infected area as a poultice were two other treatments recommended to me by my midwives. I’ve actually never tried these, but hear that they are very helpful. They help draw out the heat and the infection.
I’ve had mastitis A LOT and I’ve never needed antibiotics by following the above treatment. But if by some chance you do take antibiotics, makes sure you follow it with a HEAVY treatment of probiotics (acidophilus, bifidophilus) to replenish your body with the healthy bacteria that the antibiotics all kill off. Otherwise you are sure to get a yeast infection.
I made this blackberry crumble last week at a dinner party and you know you’ve hit the jackpot when everyone there tracks you down later that week for the recipe. It’s oh-so-yummy.
And did I mention that it’s also sugar-free, egg-free, dairy-free, and wheat-free (gluten-free)? It’s hard to find a good dessert that EVERYONE loves that falls into that category. Well, if you’re looking for one, here you go:
(The best ever) Blackberry Crumble Recipe
2 1/4 cups flour (any kind of flour ie. rice, spelt, wheat, oat, etc.)
1 1/2 cups rolled oats (or quinoa flakes, kamut flakes, rice bran or ground up nuts)
3/4 tsp stevia (or 3/4 cup sugar, if you like that stuff)
3/4 tsp salt
3/4 tsp baking soda
Mix all the dry ingredients together. Then add:
3/4 cup butter (non-dairy butter for the dairy sensitive ones)
In a baking plan, spread out:
4-5 cups of blackberries
Optional:
1 cup of blueberries
1-2 cups of peaches
Sprinkle the crumble topping evenly over top of the berries.
Bake at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes.
You can make this recipe with any combination of fruit. If you use apples, your baking time will increase to about 50-60 minutes.
When you are picking your own blackberries, the biggest, blackest berries will always be the sweetest. Look for them by sunny roads, train tracks or trails.
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Even though blackberries are considered a weed, it’s hard to find them here in Vancouver, where every inch of land is developed and consequently, weeded.
Last night I took Isabela out on a special outing to pick blackberries, made even more special by the fact that it was just her and I, out late at night, way past her bedtime, doing something that we both love. We had to drive out to Richmond, a nearby city, and went to an industrial area with blocks and blocks of blackberry bushes.
We were both sort of giddy and singing and playful the whole night. Every few minutes Isabela would say, Mmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!! These are the best blackberries I’ve ever eaten in my WHOLE life!
And then every once in a while she’d find an enormous one and she’d yell, I found THE QUEEN of the blackberries! It’s going to save it for my birthday cake. And then she’d eat it a minute later.
It was a wonderful mother-daughter bonding experience, the kind of time where I can step back from my life and look at my daughter with fresh eyes. What an amazing girl, I kept thinking to myself. I was also thinking about how much my own mother would have loved to be there with us.
This blog has been around long enough for me to recognize a clear pattern now. Every summer, the blog stops. Somehow even just writing an email feels impossible in the summer.
Between family, visitors, a full house, late nights, daily outings and the general mayhem that summer brings, I can’t seem to even get myself to my computer.
Well, we’re at the end of summer. Which means two things. First off, I’m somehow magically able to get back to my computer. Maybe it’s the hundreds of emails that have been piling up in my inbox and awaiting a response that finally did me in this morning, but I think it’s also a freeing up of my mental and emotional energy, turning the page to a new start.
I love having my family here. It is a such a blessing for our kids to have incredibly attentive, loving, playful grandparents and aunts and uncles. And to reconnect personally with everyone. My biggest test is that I often find myself feeling like I’m 10 years old again and reliving all of my childhood patterns. This summer was very unique in that we, as a family, really started opening up to each other in a way that we never have, sharing things that we have wanted to say for, well in the case of Juliet and I, our whole life, to our parents.
Diving in deep into our family issues brought up A LOT of emotions – anger, frustration, tears, resentment, guilt. All those emotions were pretty exhausting and we all got sick a lot this summer from the intensity of it all. But the amazing thing was that it also brought an incredible sense of unity and love.
One thing that really helped us work through a lot of our issues was using Byron Katie’s 4 Questions, which she calls “The Work.” It is a simple set of tools that has helped me to free myself from some very painful thoughts and beliefs I had.
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Then turn it around (the concept you are questioning), and find three genuine, specific examples of each turnaround.
Her website has some really great examples of how to do this work and some great free downloads. I’ve listened to two of her audio books over the last few months (I usually listen while I’m putting Fiona to sleep at night) and one of the concepts that I really love is about trying to stay in my own business, my own work, instead of spending my time and energy in other people’s business. This seems simple enough, but there are a lot of subtleties to it that I have been trying to work through.
The second big news is that Isabela is turning six years old in a few days and the following week she starts Grade 1. Saying that I have a six year old makes me feel sort of old and also somewhat experienced. Like, Hey! I’ve been parenting for 6 years full-time! I guess I know a thing or two by now. But at each turn, as she gets older and moves into a new stage, there is always something new for me to learn as a parent.
I was just visiting a friend with a newborn a few days ago and thinking to myself, Thank God I’m not at that stage anymore. Going from no children to one child is the biggest, most difficult leap that I have ever done. I know I’m not alone in saying that when I had brought my first baby home from the hospital I knew NOTHING. I didn’t even really know how to change a diaper. I had so many fears and worries because I didn’t know what was normal or abnormal. What I should be concerned about and what I should just ignore. Everything was new and everything was difficult. So let me say it again, Thank God that stage is over. And for all of you new moms, let me reassure you that it does, in fact, get easier. Even though you don’t believe me.
Last week Chris and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary. Hard to believe. 10 years. Since I’m 33 years old, that means I’ve spent about a third of my life with Chris.
But it got me thinking a lot about my grandparents, who celebrate their 67th wedding anniversary this year. 67 years with the same person is truly phenomenal.
Just a few months ago I was cleansing my old photo albums and threw out bags and bags of wedding photos from all the weddings we attended of friends who are now divorced. I just couldn’t believe that so many of our friends are divorced. Except that I can believe it. Because we have been through our own share of tears and struggles during our 10 years. Years of counseling and therapy (thankfully, much of it was free) was probably the single most important thing that helped our marriage.
After 10 years I am still amazed at how lucky I am to be married to Chris, a loving husband and a devoted and playful father. And I am still amazed at the ability of my love for him to grow with each passing year.
Well, I decided it was time to finally get rid of my wedding dress, despite the fact that I still love it, I’m definitely not planning on wearing it again. And I’m not into dying fabric. Nor do I have those type of fancy outings to attend anyways. So I put it up for sale on Craigslist and low and behold, a friend of mine who I haven’t seen for a few years found the ad, came over, tried on my dress, it fit her perfectly and she will be wearing it this summer at her wedding!
Sometimes the smallest thing, that seems insignificant at the time, can make the biggest change.
A small little fly can start an epidemic of cholera.
A mosquito can give a week-long itch.
An “I love you, sweetheart” can open up the heart.
An extra bedtime hug can ease the night time fears.
Putting on my rollerblades, while the kids are on their bikes and Fiona is in the stroller.
A seemingly small and insignificant act.
But it brings me playfulness and joy throughout the rest of my day.
Despite having just learned to crawl last week, as soon as Fiona hears the fridge door open, she races (as fast as a new crawler can race) over to the fridge. And all that motivation to reach the higher things actually inspired her to pull herself and stand now too.
Top that off with a few new teeth (for those without kids means A LOT of night waking and daytime crankiness). And boy, has this been a full week.
But thankfully my parents have been around and have taken the big kids out on plenty of adventures. The lake, the pool, a boat ride, the zoo, the park, the ice cream store. Life is good when grandparents are around.
With the arrival of summer comes the arrival of much loved family.
These two have a special connection already, even though they just met. They’re both the third child.
And these two just love to hang out in the garden together.
Kindred spirits.
Grandparents are wonderful.
Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, our little newborn baby is now a crawler and no longer a newborn.
It has been a busy week. Fiona learned how to sit, crawl and pull herself up all in one week. It is by the virtue of sheer determination that these incredible babies learn how to move. From the instant Fiona wakes up, she sits right up and starts crawling. She spends the whole day, the ENTIRE day practicing. Practicing, practicing, practicing.
To develop all of those muscles she has spent a lot of time doing the “downward facing dog” yoga position. I can last for about 1 minute doing that. She does it ALL DAY LONG.
Needless to say, all this new movement has brought with it a fresh new wave of bumps and bruises. But that is the beauty of determination. There is nothing, neither pain nor tears that will stop Fiona from practicing and moving until she has perfected and mastered these new skills.
It is an incredible reminder for me about the determination that is needed when I am learning something new.
Or”der*li*ness\, n. The quality of harmonious arrangement.
I love this virtue. Orderliness helps me create beauty and harmony in my space and in my life. As I create harmony in my mind, my physical surroundings naturally reflect that and become orderly and organized.
My sister-in-law, Courtney, with her newborn. Isa swinging (by herself!) on the swing set.
I love newborns. Soft, sweet, squishy and sleepy.
I was looking through these amazing shots one night and learning about bokeh (the blurry part of the photo).
I was so inspired that I ran right out of the house and tried capturing some of my own bokeh from our blooming chives.
I painted this one a few weeks after Fiona was born and Chris was getting ready to go back to work, after taking a month off to help out with the other two kids at home. I never quite got this painting to the level that I wanted it to be. I thought about starting it over again, but of course that might never happen. And I’m actively trying to let go of my perfectionism issues. So it seemed about the right time to post it now.
I had so much fear about doing it all on my own – taking care of three kids all day long and all night long by myself. Somehow I made it through.
Now let’s rewind to about a month and a half ago. Chris got sick. Checked into the hospital. Shortly after that he had his appendix removed and was in recovery for three or four weeks. And so I was single parenting for a lot of that time. And boy did my body ever scream at me: FIND SOME BALANCE ALREADY!
I suspect this is a life-long endeavor, but certain experiences make the need for balance much more apparent. And this last month and half has been one of them.
“I feel like I’m not me anymore. I feel like a new person.” says Isabela, shortly after I gave her a drastically different new, short hair cut (at her persistent request).
It’s amazing how just something as simple as a hair cut can completely change a person. I see her differently. She has completely control over her hair. She’s always hated it when I brushed her hair and with long hair it turned into a wild crazy mess everyday. Which I would attempt to brush and she would attempt to run and hide or scream and complain.
Juliet cut her hair short a few weeks ago and ever since then Isabela has been asking me, “I want my hair like Tia’s.” (Tia is Spanish for aunt). And so last week I cut it. It was a true test of skill on my part, but amazing how this week she was able to completely get herself ready on her own for school, including BRUSHING HER OWN HAIR.
And when she said, “I feel like a different person,” well, I feel like a different person too. This last month has been one of the most life transforming months for me. I’m in awe. Everyday is a new discovery. A new revelation.
I’ve been unraveling all of my emotional repression. Sorting through the phases of my life. Unburdening myself from all of the things that I am attached to and/or that do not bring me joy. Giving away all of my furniture. Giving away all of my art. Throwing away all of the photos that showed the fake me. I only want the real me around. I’m done with bullshit. I’m strongly suspect that the intensity of having three children has brought me to the place where I need SIMPLICITY. Honesty. NO B.S.. Just the real me. I just turned 33 years old a few weeks ago and I realized that a whole lot of my life has been fake. Doing things for other people. Worried what others think of me. Living with an imaginary audience in my head.
And it’s time for that “show” for other other people to get thrown in the garbage, where it belongs.
I re-read all of my old journals and felt like I was researching my life. Recognizing common themes, pulling out the same recurrent tests and the themes of my life. I learned that skill well, when I was working on my thesis for my master’s degree. I’ve decided to make a “Life Time Line” of me. The real me. The crappy, messy, painful, fearful, vulnerable me. I may or may not share some of that on my blog. We’ll see.
A couple weeks ago I read a post about baby wearing. I have to say, at first I kind of didn’t get it.
But I thought about it in the days following, because, honestly, despite me being on my third child now and being used to wearing my babies, I hadn’t really ever thought about it in terms of the psychological aspect for the baby.
When the baby is facing out, like in a stroller or an outward facing carrier, the stimulus can be overwhelming. As stated by Dr. Evelin Kirkilionis on the Ergo baby site, “In this position the baby cannot make eye contact with his or her parent to evaluate facial expressions, social cues, and so forth to make assessment of the situation.” Which can mean stress and insecurity for the baby. Even in my sling, I realized that it is difficult for my little one to see me, even when she’s facing inwards.
So I thought about it a lot. And then I started watching an amazing video course on attachment parenting, called the Power to Parent by Gordon Neufeld (which I already mentioned before, but I just have to keep mentioning it because it is so amazing. SO. AMAZING.)
Well. One of the things he mentioned was that in all indigenous and tribal cultures, nobody had to teach them how to parent. And nobody ever had to teach them attachment parenting. They just do it instinctively. He said if you need a real live model of attachment parenting, just look to them.
So I thought a lot about that.
And I realized that one thing they all have in common is that they all wear their babies on their back. And as I thought about that, I realized that I didn’t have a proper baby carrier for that. And I didn’t have a baby carrier that was comfortable enough for me to carry Fiona for extended periods of time. Especially when I was in the kitchen, she would just get in the way if she was in the sling.
And then I thought again about the post about baby wearing. I mentioned it to my sister, who also has a baby, and we talked and thought and talked and thought.
The first level of attachment, the way a baby attaches in the first year of life, is though the physical senses. And we wanted to be able to give that physical sense of security and reassurance to our babies. But not at the expense of killing ourselves, being sore, and not being able to do anything in the kitchen.
So yesterday Juliet went out and bought the Ergo baby carrier. I had never seen it before, so I tried it out this morning. It is amazing.
I went out and bought one a few hours later. The amazing difference is that Fiona can actually look up at me and we can communicate and talk while she’s sitting in the front. Not to mention how comfortable it is!
My brother-in-law, Shane, who grew up in what the rest of the world would call “The North Pole” (but we call Nunavut and the Northwest Territories), took one look at us wearing the Ergo with the babies on the back and said, that’s just exactly what the Inuit babies look like when they’re mother’s carry them in hood of their jackets on their back.
Bingo. That’s exactly what we were looking for: a little taste of the attachment parenting that comes so instinctively and naturally to indigenous and tribal cultures.
(photos from the Ergo baby website)
Mama Hugs.
That’s really what childhood is all about, isn’t it?
Lots and lots and lots of Mama hugs.
At least, that’s what every child needs.
This painting has a long story that goes with it.
For the last several weeks, Isabela’s teacher has been letting the kids out early and giving them recess out on the playground at the end of the day. Most kids, I suspect, love this. But for Isabela, if I am not there outside her door when she is let out (which is impossible for me to know when they will be let out, now they they have recess every once in a while), well, it’s just too much for her little heart and she cries and cries and cries until I get there.
So I decided to to make her a “Love Bag” for those times when she is feeling sad, lonely and worried that I won’t be there to pick her up. The Love Bag is a little piece of me that she can physically and emotionally “hold on to” when I am not there. Something that reminds her how much I love her, makes her feel special and brings joy to her heart. Something that makes her feel loved.
I suspect that the Love Bag will be a continuously evolving entity and will grow as she grows. I have plans to make a very special bag with beautiful material that she chose and to laminate some photos of the two of us and of our family to add to it.
For now, inside the Love Bag there are a few dried fruit snacks, a little bag of raisins, a heart note that tells her I love her and most recently, this watercolor painting of the two of us hugging.
But the real story, the story that inspired me to create this Love Bag, has been the completely life transforming and paradigm shifting changes within me, all inspired from an 8 hour video course by Gordon Neufeld, entitled, The Power to Parent: The Vital Connection. As I’ve mentioned before, he is one of my all time favorite authors, and his book, Hold Onto Your Kids, is one of my all time favorite books. But this video course just took the whole attachement parenting to a new level. A deep, deep, life changing level. The kind of level that has triggered reflections and new understandings about my own childhood, about my own self, about all of my relationships, about my children, about the way I parent, about everything.
And it is certainly no coincidence that the video arrived to me, in the mail, on the first day of the Baha’i Fast (whose purpose is mind, body and soul transformation). And it is certainly no coincidence that the medicine from my Chinese doctor started kicking in on the first day of the Baha’i Fast and it’s been detoxing and cleansing my body ever since (if anyone has ever “detoxed” you know just how rotten you feel during that time). And it is certainly no coincidence that we started building an extra room in the house during the Fast, meaning that Chris would come home from work, then go to work downstairs building the room, which meant that I was by myself with all the kids all day and all night. All of these stresses where enormous triggers for transformation.
It’s been overwhelming, exhausting, made me sick, made me sob for an entire day, made me angry, pissed off, yell and scream, made me depressed. In short, it’s made me FEEL. And it’s helped to peel away the layers on my heart which I have built over years and years and years to hide my vulnerability and protect myself from the pain of separation and heart ache from not feeling a sense of unconditional love in my life.
As I learned in the attachment parenting videos, in order to strongly attach and connect with your children, they have be vulnerable, depend on you and open up their heart to you. But the won’t do that it if is not safe or if there is a threat of separation, which is a pain too much to bear. Well, how can I possibly open up their heart, if my heart is not open? As my sister said, “Attachment parenting feels so foreign that I might as well be parenting on Mars.”
I still have 2 more sets of attachment parenting video courses to watch: Helping Children Grow Up and Common Challenges. And much, much, much more life transformation awaiting me.
If you have an egg allergy or just ran out of eggs in the the middle of baking, here are some things that work as an egg substitute:
To replace an egg:
- 1.5 tsp powdered Egg Replacer (like Ener-G) mixed with 2 TB water = 1 egg
- 1/4 cup nut butter = 1 egg
- 1 banana or 1/2 ripe banana = 1 egg
- 2 ounces tofu = 1 egg
- 1/4 cup apple butter
- 1/2 tsp guar gum
- 2 tbsp cornstarch = 1 egg
- 2 tbsp arrowroot flour = 1 egg
- 2 tbsp potato starch = 1 egg
- 1 heaping tbsp soy powder + 2 tbsp water = 1 egg
- 1 tbsp soy milk powder + 1 tbsp cornstarch + 2 tbsp water = 1 egg
- 1 tbsp milled flax seed and 3 tbsp water = 1 egg
Does anyone have any other things that work to replace an egg?
There are a handful of authors in the world who truly astound me for their ability to completely transform my life through a book. Elizabeth Pantley, world renowned parenting expert, is one of those authors. And The No Cry Nap Solution is one of those books.
If you are a parent of small children, like myself, you will know that:
a good nap = a good day
a bad nap = a bad day
But getting those good naps can be an elusive, how-do-I-do-it?, FRUSTRATING experience.
A SCIENTIFIC APPROACH
Well, along came Elizabeth Pantley. And she has a gift. Her gift is the ability to conduct sound, thorough research and present it in a format that is easy to read, inspiring and truly transforming.
Most parents do not have the time, desire or motivation to pour through all the literature and scientific studies that have been conducted on naps, deduce theories from it, and then set it to trial to revise and refine with a group of 209 Test Parents. Thankfully, we don’t have to. Elizabeth Pantley did it for us.
When I was conducting my own qualitative research for my master’s thesis, I wanted to do research with a group of 20 people and was advised that it was an unmanageable number – 5 or 6 would be better (I settled at 14). So the fact that Elizabeth Pantley conducted a qualitative research study with 209 people is in and of itself amazing.
NAPS ARE CRUCIAL
Elizabeth Pantley very clearly illustrates not only the benefits, but the crucial nature of naps. Based on age, a child may require 0-4 naps. This sleep has various stages, each with its own benefit, such as:
- releasing stress and stabilizing moods
- releasing the growth hormone
- repairing and healing the body and strengthening the immune system
- regulating the appetite
- ensuring proper brain connections and development, including memory and new learning
- improving motor, visual and perceptual skills
THE VOLCANO EFFECT
On top of this, we are all (adults included) subject to something called homeostatic sleep pressure or what she terms “The Volcano Effect.” Based on our age, we can only be awake for a given amount of time before we literally explode – and we all know what that means – temper tantrums, melt downs, screaming and crying.
By keeping an eye on the clock as well as an eye on our child’s sleepy signs, we can greatly reduce The Volcano Effect. One of the great things I learned from this book was that if I put my children down for a nap when they are sleepy, and not overtired, then they fall asleep quickly and easily.
In fact, I was surprised to learn that presleep, where the child is relaxed and tired, is actually the first stage in sleep, whose purpose is to prepare the body for sleep. But if ignored it will lead to a second wind and eventually an increase in feeling overtired.
A CHILD NEEDS TO FALL ASLEEP ON THEIR OWN
The thing I love about Elizabeth Pantley is her gentle, caring approach to parenting and that everything stems from a place of deep consideration for the child and the parent. She offers a plethora of suggestions on how to get your child to nap, but she always leaves a back door open to keep things the way they are if what we’re doing already is working for us, we’re feeling stressed or the child is sick, teething, learning a new skill or any other number of things that can disturb sleep.
But, if you do want your children to take good naps, more than just the 40 minute “One-Cycle Sleep Syndrome” (a baby’s sleep cycle lasts 40-60 minutes), then this book is for you.
By far, the most important thing that I have learned from reading the No Cry Nap Solution (and its parent book, The No Cry Sleep Solution which focuses more on night time sleep), is the importance of teaching a child to fall asleep on their own.
There is a brief awakening at the end of each sleep cycle. In order for a child to make it from one sleep cycle to the next, unaided by the parent, the child has to fall asleep on their own. If the child fell asleep breastfeeding (or being rocked, bounced, held or bottlefed) then they will awaken, become disturbed that things are not as they were when they fell asleep, and want to breastfeed again. If, however, they fell asleep on their own, then they will briefly awaken, see that everything is still the same and go right back to sleep.
She uses the analogy of us falling asleep in our warm, cozy bed and then waking up on the hard, cold kitchen floor. Of course we wouldn’t go back to sleep! We’d be alarmed and distressed.
NOW, HOW DO I GET MY CHILD TO NAP?
Well, this is why you need to buy the book. She literally has a solution for probably every single nap challenge, such as:
- Catnaps: Making short naps longer
- The nap resister: When your child needs a nap but won’t take one
- Shifting schedules: Changing from two naps to one nap
- Shifting schedules: Time to give up naps?
- Changing from in-arms sleep to in-bed sleep
- Naptime nursling: Falling asleep without the breast, bottle or pacifier
- Swinging, bouncing, vibrating or gliding: Making the transition from motion sleep to stationary sleep
- Helping your newborn tummy sleeper go “Back to sleep”
- How to use swaddling for naptime
- Changing car naps to bed naps
- Colic care: Helping your baby get comfort and relief from naps
- Could it be a sleep disorder? When to call a doctor
Just when you think you have the naps all figured out, they get a little older and everything changes. The No Cry Nap Solution is a book that I will definitely keep going back to, for each new naptime stage.
YOUR CHILD WON’T CRY, BUT YOU MIGHT
All of the approaches in this book are gentle and respectful of the child. They are not quick fix solutions, but require a tremendous amount of consistency and self-discipline on the part of the parent. And lets face it, it’s hard. Damn hard.
I have cried many tears during this process of endless hours of trying to get them to back to sleep.
Let me share with you one trick that has saved me: I have an iPod touch and during the endless hours in a dark, quiet room, something that could otherwise make me go mad AND get mad, I play games, surf the internet and listen to music and podcasts. I also pray and meditate.
And sure enough, after a few weeks of consistency on my part, those hours dwindle to minutes and I find myself almost wishing I had more time in that dark, quiet room.
It took about 3-4 weeks of consistency before my newborn would nap more than 40 minutes. And then we went on vacation. A blessing and a challenge. When we came home it took another 3 weeks to get back to the place where we were before the vacation, and now we just had Daylight Savings last weekend and she has a cold.
But at least now I know what to do.
And I know how to do it.
And for this I have to thank Elizabeth Pantley and The No Cry Nap Solution.
It’s so much easier in the short term to do the quick fix. Just let them breastfeed to sleep, or whatever you do.
Changing a habit is slow. It takes time and patience. But it’s so well worth it in the end, particularly when you think about the stress and anxiety that too much crying can cause on the child AND the parent.
WHAT DO NAPS LOOK LIKE IN MY HOUSE?
I have 3 nappers in my house.
THE BABY
A 4 month old, who would much prefer to have three naps a day, has had to adjust to 2 naps a day due to her big sister’s kindergarten drop offs and pick ups. She LOVES to breastfeed to sleep. I have to work pretty hard at remembering to take her off the breast just before she falls asleep, because if I don’t, more often than not I get a baby who’s stuck in the frustrating, 40 minute, One Cycle Sleep Syndrome. A lot of times I forget, but fortunately Elizabeth Pantley advises that we try to help them fall asleep on their own at least 50% of the time.
The other thing that has helped me a lot with her is the suggestion to maintain a consistent sleep routine, which sends signals to the child’s brain (or sleep cues) that it is time to sleep. Ours goes something like this: change diaper, give family a kiss goodbye, get wrapped up her swaddle blanket, turn on white noise, close curtains and lay down to nurse. One weekend I forgot to turn on the white noise and couldn’t figure out why I was having so many problems with her naps. Suddenly I remembered: white noise! I turned it on and she instantly relaxed and soon after that fell asleep.
The No Cry Sleep Solution also recommends to try changing around the way we calm them down and get them sleepy so that they are not completely dependent on one method (ie. breastfeeding, bouncing, rocking, etc). This has helped me tremendously because I when I get to the end of my rope, I know I can count on my husband to give her a little, gentle head jiggle (which we learned from The Happiest Baby on the Block) so I can leave to regain my sanity. With my two older children, if they didn’t fall asleep nursing when they were babies, then I didn’t know what else to do. I felt powerless. Now I feel like I have options.
THE 3 and 5 YEAR OLDs
They both still nap, on and off, usually when they had a bad night sleep or they’re starting to get sick. The rest of the time they do what Elizabeth Pantley calls the “Hush Hour” (or what we call “Quiet Time”) in their own room. It takes a month or two for them to adjust to this, but it is incredible how beneficial this restful time during the day is for them. They rest, read books, draw pictures, play with their toys and above all else, learn to enjoy playing by themselves and finding things to do on their own.
It is also a critical break for the parents, where we can nap, rest, read, rejuvenate ourselves and spend a little time filling ourselves up so that we are ready to parent again for the rest of the day. I napped every single day when I was pregnant and now I use the Hush Hour as a time for rest, reflection, creativity and exercise. Things which I otherwise find difficult to do with three children around.
As you can see, this book has the potential to change your life!
MORE FROM ELIZABETH PANTLEY
Ever since I was first lent a copy of Elizabeth Pantley’s book, the No Cry Sleep Solution, 3 years ago, I have become a HUGE fan of her books.
In fact, normally I am a voracious reader, but my mind went into a pregnancy fog this last year and the only two books I have been able to read since my baby was born, 4 months ago, were Elizabeth Pantley’s No Cry Sleep Solution (which I took off my bookshelf to re-read the day I came home from the hospital with my baby) and The No Cry Nap Solution. I think that says it all.
Here is a list of her other books, which I highly recommend:
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